What I want to be when I grow up, circa February 2004:

Write a screenplay. I don’t know where this came from, but it’s something that I think would be really interesting, and that I think that I could do really well. All I need now is a story. In my scenario, I would win an Oscar for that first screenplay, a la Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Then I would sell my second screenplay for a few million and retire at the age of 30.

Work for a professional sports team. Honestly. ANY PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM WILL DO. I’m not picky. I just really think that this would be one of the greatest jobs ever. Especially if the team that I worked for was successful enough to win a championship, and I had made some sort of contribution to that.

Be a comedian. I crack a lot of jokes at work, sometimes to the point that I can’t be taken seriously in regards to my commitment to the work I do. I do think that I’m funny, and I could be a decent comedian, but it will never happen. In regards to that, I had a conversation about just this thing, the other day with Andre, one of my co-workers. It went like this…

Matt: “(some smarmy, sarcastic one liner)”
Andre: “You should try stand up comedy”
Matt: “I couldn’t. I’ve got the comedy down, but I don’t like (long thoughtful pause) being in front of large crowds.”
Andre: “I thought you were going to say you didn’t like standing up.”

Maybe Andre should be the comedian.

Take photographs professionally. I could totally do this. Especially in Oxford. In Oxford, all you have to do to be a successful photographer is to drive around town taking pictures of monuments, and historic buildings, and notable spots around town, then photoshop the images a little bit, add a catchy title, and sell it as a poster at a 2000% markup. This might truly be my actual retirement plan.

Win the lottery. If I could just win the lottery, I’d totally either by a ship, and cruise around the Caribbean, or I’d by an RV and cruise around the States. In the Caribbean, I’d be an island hopping, beach bumming, hawaiian shirt and flip-flop wearing, Red Stripe drinking, conch burger eating son of a son of a sailor. On the RV, I’d probably try and catch a sporting events all over the country, stopping intermittently to see national treasures, like the Grand Canyon, or the World’s biggest ball of yarn. I figure I’d probably just have to flip a coin to decide. Either way I’m a winner.