The Girl and I were sitting on our porch at some point last week, probably having just finished dinner and beginning one of the many smoke-filled chats that we customarily get in to, when the topic of career goals and ambitions came up.

As an aside, our porch has become the place where most of her and my most thoughtful conversations occur. We fight, or discuss our future, or push the other towards self-reflection, while smoking, and maybe drinking a nice glass of Virginia wine. I don’t know what it is about the porch that makes it out apartment’s prime conversational area, but I’ll be damned if we don’t almost intentionally move out there and light up when it’s time for an important talk.

Anyways, we were talking about our careers, and what we want out of them, in both the immediate and intermediate futures. Our careers aren’t completely alike, but they are similar enough such that comparisons can be drawn when we speak about them. We both work in very time sensitive, high stress industries. Hers is a service based industry, with the requirement that she complete specific deliverables throughout the course of her engagements. Mine is a deliverables based industry, with an emphasis on service. However, without going into more detail than is necessary for fear of compromising security clearances, or the entertainment value of this post itself, the level at which I am able to contribute to the ultimate final product isn’t the level at which I am satisfied.

In other words, I don’t really get to make shit.

I remember, as a child, being very interested in the way that things work. This generally manifested itself in my destroying of things, such as my toys, or my mother’s kitchen floor. This curiosity, breeding destruction, was based in the desire for creation. And that desire is still with me, even if I don’t still break things to see how they work (at least not as often, or intentionally).

I wonder, where this urge, this need, or desire, to create comes from, and where, ultimately, it will take me. After thinking on the subject, and talking with The Girl about it on the porch, it occurs to me that, like anyone, I want to leave my mark on the world, my legacy. I want to be able to look back on my life and say “This is what I did. This is where my efforts, and my passion, went.” You know what? Scratch that. I want to look back on my life, and for my proudest and most memorable moments to have nothing to do with my job. But what I want from my career is to be able to say those things, because otherwise, why am I letting myself be pulled away from the other things that are so important to me for forty hours, at minimum, a week?

And so I think about the future, and what this need for creation means for my career. At this point, I don’t feel as if a change in careers is likely in the cards for me. But I do wonder if there is a better option for me; a better career path. I wonder whether I’ll ever be able to work less, and enjoy it more; If I will be able to look back and say, “Look at this these things, these peoples lives, that are better because of what I did.” I wonder where this ultimate journey will take me. No matter where that is, I hope that there is a porch, where I can sit, and converse, and enjoy a nice glass of Virginia wine.