I can’t work on my website at work. One day I was working on it when I was supposed to be tying some number to some other number on some sort of report, and one of my supervisors angrily told me to stop, and that I was no longer allowed to be seen on the site while I was supposed to be doing work. I can’t really understand why though. It doesn’t say anything in the employee handbook about that sort of thing. Over the course of my career, I’ve found out that there are a few other things that I can’t do at work either. Twenty-seven other things, to be exact.

1. I am not allowed to work on ANY websites during working hours.

2. ESPECIALLY, if I am charging someone for it.

3. I am not allowed to use the phrase, “Eh, it’s close enough for government work”

4. I am not allowed to take morning naps.

5. I am not allowed to send e-mails to people, if the recipients of those e-mails are within arms length from me.

6. I am not allowed to refer to the mentally challenged employees in my building as “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”

7. I am not allowed to celebrate “National No-Pants Day” on company time.

8. I am allowed to celebrate “National High Five Day”, but only with people that I already know.

9. I am not allowed to take after-lunch naps.

10. I am not allowed to make elaborate sculptures out of office supplies.

11. I am not allowed to bring pornography to work.

12. I am not allowed to bootleg pornography using government equipment.

13. I am not allowed to send e-mails to new hires that include the phrase, “Don’t worry about your grades now, just make sure you graduate”.

14. I am not allowed to laugh when asked the question, “What do you have to say for yourself?”

15. I am not allowed to list my race on government security clearance forms as “other”.

16. I am not allowed to initate the Jihad.

17. I am not allowed to start summary memos for meetings that I have just attended with the words, “Dear Diary”.

18. I am not allowed to print out my NCAA college basketball bracket at work, even if it is for the company’s office pool.

19. I am not allowed to drink at the office Christmas party.

20. I am not allowed to turn in my expense report without it being double checked by multiple managers.

21. I am not allowed to take late afternoon naps.

22. I am not allowed to touch co-workers computers, unless I am fixing something that I have previously messed up.

23. I am not allowed to go through co-workers’ bags, even if I do think that they took my keys.

24. I am not allowed to rearrange the furniture in the office under the guise of trying to improve “Feng Shui”.

25. I am not allowed to stray from my group of coworkers during fire drills.

26. I am not allowed to use Photoshop to create elaborate screensavers, desktop photos, or incriminating photos of my superiors on company time.

27. I am not allowed to ask new staff to pick up packages in office numbers that do not exist.