I hate weddings. Everybody always talks about how weddings are a great place for single girls and single guys to hook up, because they’re all in the same place, and they’ve all got the idea on their minds. Well you know what? Bullshit. The kind of girl I want to meet doesn’t have marriage on her mind, at least not right now. And I can probably meet her in a bar, without having to put on a suit and tie, and without having to sit through a long quiet boring ceremony to do so. “But there’s dancing, and drinking and celebrating and good times all around”, you say. You call that a wedding ceremony? I can do all that at Thursday night happy hour. At least at happy hour, girl’s dresses aren’t’ lavender, or made of taffeta, and they’re much, much shorter (the dresses, not the girls).

I have to go to two weddings in the next two weeks. While I do hate that my friends want me to drive to Poughkeepsie, NY this weekend and fly and drive to Natchez, MS next weekend, I do at least appreciate that they had the good taste to choose women who knew better than to have their weddings during football season. If you want to be picky about it though, there is always something going on that a wedding will interrupt. For instance, this weekend, the SEC baseball tournament is going on. I’m not saying that it’s more important than a friend’s eternal happiness, but it’s close. There’s really only one weekend out of the whole year that is good for weddings, anyway, so if you have two friends get married in the same year, you’re shit out of luck anyway.

I also don’t understand why there is so much happiness at a wedding. Don’t get me wrong, for the bride and the groom, it’s probably going to be one of the happiest days of their lives. Well, for about half of them at least. But really, think about everyone else. The parents of the bride are out a boatload of cash for the wedding and the reception. The parents of the groom are out a slightly smaller boatload of money for the reception, and possibly the honeymoon, if they’re feeling generous. The bride’s friend’s are upset because the entire afternoon is nothing but a constant reminder of how utterly single they still are. The groom’s friends are pissed off because they know that they’ve just lost a really good drinking buddy (or at least someone who will split the tab). Married people don’t hang out with single people. Single people go to bars to drink beer and eat buffalo wings and to talk about sex. Married people go to restaurants and sip wine with their meals and talk about when they’re going to have babies. For the love of God. This upsets single people. If anything, it’s all that being upset that causes people to hook up with each other at weddings. Hmm….Bring on the depressed chicks!